Neo-Impressionism (with stickers)

🫏 A Hack Mule Review of the MacBook Neo

The other day, I was flaked out on the couch with a cold, and I started watching some YouTube “content creator” review the MacBook Neo, Apple’s new “affordable” laptop.

The reviewer, who is about the same age as my car, expressed grave concerns about the device’s tech specs, noting the cores, vapor chambers, CPU temperatures, basal metabolism, and recommended daily allowances.

But he also explained that it “benchmarks well,” which, I gather, means unless you’re attempting to handle North American air-traffic control while in a bidding war on eBay, you’ll be fine.

I was intrigued, so I investigated further.

Source: Apple website

First stop was Apple’s web page for the Neo, where they are targeting 14-year-old girls from Encino almost exclusively. The promotional page is constructed around the life of a young Asian teen with braces who orders dim sum, FaceTimes with an older woman named Jenica Chong, and spreads Hello Kitty vibes everywhere.

She also loves putting stickers on her laptop: Ghostbusters, Ted Lasso, Amoeba Music, Golf Wang, the whale from the American Museum of Natural History, and a few cartoon characters neither ChatGPT nor I could identify.

Of course, I know I can’t compete with the influencer cool of a 14-year-old from Encino. I go out for dim sum. I’m more “Goodbye, Stranger” than “Hello Kitty.” And, my grandmother has been dead for decades, so we never FaceTime.

But, I have stickers. Yes, I do! I have a very cool Bethesda sticker I got at an extremely trendy county meeting where we discussed zoning text amendments. (If you know, you know…) And I have an American flag sticker that came with a six-pack of socks I bought recently. Made in America, baby!

Signaling my worldview through laptop stickers in the kitchen

And look closely at that smaller sticker on my laptop — it’s signaling my support for international labor. It has nothing to do with the fact that I ate a banana while sitting at my laptop this morning and had nowhere else to put the damn thing.

Even though Apple’s marketing team did not invite me to this party — and I didn’t actually need a Neo — I realized that by trading in an old iPhone, some credit-card rewards points, and a couple of Apple gift cards, I could buy one for $37.

You read that right: $37. So I did.

So here’s a review of the Neo for the rest of us: people over 18 — over 21, natch — who use computers for regular things. The missing middle that lives somewhere between anime dim sum menus and a killer deadline for getting the final cut back to Scorsese.

Here’s what you need to know: It’s a dandy little computer. Does all the stuff you need. End of review.

Perhaps some FAQs for our demographic’s typical concerns will help you decide:

• Am I going to look weird with this thing at the coffee shop? The “citrus” one looks like Gatorade and the “blush” appears to be a prop left over from the Barbie movie, but if you go with the silver, it looks like every other MacBook in Starbucks, as required by law.

• I like to emphasize my points during meetings by slamming my screen closed. Does this make a good “angry snap” sound? Like a snapping turtle. Very emphatic.

• When I attend civic meetings in person, I also log on via Zoom, so I can ask questions in both the live and virtual queues. Can the Neo’s Wi-Fi handle that? Effortlessly! You can even file comments online while you wait. Vive la république!

• Is the screen big enough for me to shop online and text with my chat group during a Teams call? I’m offended by the question. But yes. I have tested it. As a professional reviewer.

• Can I play Wordle on this? Yes! In very large type after a glass of wine. Hint: Always start with D-R-A-I-N.

• I’m still using WordPerfect 5.1. Can the Neo help me? That’s a bridge too far, my friend.

I wish Apple would run an ad campaign showing the real-world use cases for my people: People who slosh coffee around the keyboard while reading the news at 8 a.m. People sitting on hotel-room beds at 3 a.m., working on PowerPoints they didn’t know they’d be giving tomorrow. People who want a device big enough to type on but small enough to fit on an airline tray table.

Let me know if you buy one — and, if you do, what stickers you put on the case. I encourage comments, questions, and wire transfers.

P.S. I wrote this on my new Neo. Real-world benchmark achieved, battery at 67%.