Welcome to Hack Mule Notebook #6! I hope everyone enjoyed Labor Day Weekend! What better way to kick off fall than to take an extra day off, start fresh, and land even further behind than you were last week.
This week the Hack Mule was kicking the stall a little, so settle in and get ready!
Overheard:
A friend just called to ask where she could find the weather on her new MacBook. I said, “Press Command-Space and type ‘Weather.’”
She did, and the app popped up. She was astonished that Apple has a weather app.
She said, “I’d been staring at iCloud for 20 minutes, and I see nothing about clouds, rain, sun, or temperature. This is much better.”
Gripes:
Atlantic Parking dumps humans
I pulled into the parking lot at North Bethesda Market the other day, where Atlantic Parking has converted a lowly indoor parking lot into a data-mining operation with incidental parking.
I kid you not.
The facility now has a license-plate-reading system that requires users to enter their name, email, phone number, license plate, and payment method into a web page in order to park.
No exceptions. And it charges you a buck for “platform access”—sort of like if Safeway made you rent its cash registers to check out.
Aside from being intrusive and blood-sucking, it doesn’t work. So, I stopped at the attendant booth to get things straightened out.
The weary attendant said they’re getting rid of all the workers, so I’d have to talk to Jerome.
Me: “OK, when is Jerome here?”
Attendant: “No one knows. Jerome comes and goes.”
It’s like a customer-service haiku.
Even though I drove out a week ago, the parking session is still running with a $90 tab. And counting.
Milestones:
President Trump called Apple last week to demand that the company change Lake Ontario’s name to “Lake America” after the tech giant failed to comply instantly with his executive order.
After all, what more important thing does the President of the United States possibly have to think about?
Trump: “Siri, navigate to ‘Lake America.’”
Siri: “Navigating to lower Armenia.”
Trump: “Dammit! Get Tim Apple on the phone. I don’t care if he retired!”
The fact that tomorrow is the global launch of Apple’s fall line-up—which means it needs Trump to grant tariff waivers to sell to Canada and other countries—is entirely coincidental, I’m sure.
Me: “Siri, navigate to that bridge in Brooklyn you wanted to sell me…”
Listening:
Here’s the music I found playing around me this week. You can enjoy the full Hack Mule playlist on Apple Music.
“I Ain’t Superstitious,” Jeff Beck—walking past the Bethesda police station
“Your Love is Electric,” Leon Bridges—at my desk. Someone sent me the pre-release link. Full album drops September 25.
“Route 101,” Herb Alpert—driving on Route 28
“Route 66,” Depeche Mode—driving on Route 28 an hour later
“Road to Nowhere,” Talking Heads—driving on Route 28 the next day
“I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do),” Hall & Oates—walking near Pennyfield Lock, Potomac
“Brazil,” Declan McKenna—in line at UPS, Kensington
“Chorar Na Beira Do Mar,” Pedro Mizutani—reading by the pool
“Make Me Rainbows,” Bill Charlap Trio—making brunch Saturday morning
“So What (I’m Still a Rock Star),” Pink—at the gym
Special mention: “Drunk As Cooter Brown,” Cassandra Wilson—I first heard it on an SAS flight from Copenhagen to Dulles years ago, listened again this week when I heard Cassandra Wilson died. Check out her album Belly of the Sun. Masterful.
Watching:
I got a notification on my iPhone the other morning that I had three “outliers” in my Vitals readings. According to the Health app, my overnight temperature, respiration, and heart rate were all running higher than normal.
The Vitals app helpfully explained that “Short-term changes can be a signal that something might be going on…” but added that it is “not designed to detect illness or a medical condition.”
Right.
So I asked ChatGPT.
It said, “I wouldn’t conclude ‘I’m definitely sick,’ but I also would not dismiss this.” It then went on to add that I should clear my schedule and run to the store before I felt even worse.
Me: “I feel fine.”
ChatGPT: “Yeah. At this point, ‘I may be coming down with something’ is a pretty reasonable working assumption anyway.”
Me: “I doubt it.”
ChatGPT: “Sure. I’d say run your errands today, rest, and drink fluids. Given what the Watch saw before you even got up this morning, I wouldn’t write it off.”
Me: “Whatever.”
ChatGPT: “If you’re having difficulty breathing, chest pain, confusion, fainting, or otherwise feel acutely ill, don’t wait for the Watch to tell you.”
Four hours later:
Me: “I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.”
ChatGPT: “Great! The Vitals app is more accurate than we realized.”
Lexicon:
World-class righteousness whores
I was chatting with a neighbor recently who was complaining about the county transportation department’s plans to install traffic-calming on my street despite an average speed of 26 mph (in a 25 mph zone) and only eight minor crashes in the past 12 years.
“This county is ridiculous,” she said. “A squirrel gets run over and they want to install bike lanes to ‘protect life’ and make themselves look sympathetic. They’re world-class righteousness whores.”
Gadgets:
I’m late to the party on this, but the air fryer is my gadget of the summer. Friends had been urging me to get one for years, but until my toaster oven died, it seemed extravagant.
Now I’m hooked.
If you haven’t tried one, it’s basically an Easy-Bake Oven with better lighting. A small fan blows hot air around, simulating an oven and a deep-fryer in a mess-free countertop box.
That’s right—now you can get the taste and feel of fast food without ever leaving home. Spritz a little avocado oil on it, and even broccoli tastes vaguely like something McDonald’s might put on the menu. In northern California.
Plus it requires additional gadgets for maximum effectiveness. Silicone tongs and spatulas, special parchment paper liners, magnets to hold the liners in place, instant-read thermometers. The list goes on.
I love gadgets that require more gadgets. And I don’t know why, but I feel like it should have Bluetooth.
I’d like to add that it has changed my entire diet, because now I crave air-fryer cauliflower and toasted barley, and I enjoy tempeh cooked to perfection.
But I’d be lying.
The air fryer actually shines with things like hamburgers, fries, Reuben sandwiches, tuna melts, and chicken parmesan—things that people intentionally eat. Even salmon and chicken are good.
I recently watched a woman on YouTube make deep-fried Oreos with Pillsbury crescent dough. I’m going to have to test it out.
For you, loyal Hack Mule readers. Always for you.
Playing:
The New York Times Games
I could make a pretty good argument that the only reason to subscribe to the New York Times these days is for the Games section. Wordle, Connections, Strands, The Crossword, and Sudoku. The intellectual heavy lifting before your coffee kicks in.
But this weekend, I was horrified to see standards slipping to a shocking new low. Yesterday Strands—word search for post-grads—contained the word “alright.”
The problem is, that is not all right. Indeed, it is not even a word. Just ask the Associated Press, which rejected “alright” back in May when it updated its style guide. In fact, the Times itself rejects “alright” in favor of “all right” in its Manual of Style and Usage.
So the Games page had me searching for a null word. Irritating.
The same day, Connections included “free reign” as one of the phrases in the category “Unrestricted Permission.”
One little problem with that: “Free reign” is what the Shah of Iran had when the CIA paid for everything. “Free rein” is “Unrestricted Permission.” (Come to think of it, the Shah had that, too. OK, bad example.)
But back to my outrage: Are they having interns write the puzzles now?
To its credit, the Times edited “free reign” later in the day and changed it to “free rein.” It did nothing about alright, which was not all right with me.
I’m watching you, New York Times. Paper of record? Ha!
Transitions:
The temporary bus lanes on Route 355 are going away! Our long summer nightmare is ending!
Since early June, local drivers have had to contend with temporary (yeah, sure) bus lanes on Rockville Pike/Wisconsin Avenue. Officials explained the lanes would accommodate shuttle buses to route people around three Metro stations closed for renovation, but many of us believed the whole thing was merely the latest salvo in Montgomery County’s long-running war to thwart all human endeavor.
But last week—on time—the county told the state it had no further need for the bus lanes.
Great! And worrisome! What are they plotting now?
Competent government performance is never normal.