Christmas Shopping at the Mall

🫏 Hack Mule Case Study in Transient Linguistic Dysphoria

The other day I was walking through the mall doing some Christmas shopping when I had an attack of transient linguistic dysphoria. As I looked around, I realized that the words I was seeing no longer made sense.

No, I wasn’t having a mini-stroke — my Apple Watch would have mentioned that — but I could not decipher the store name in front of me. What the hell is a “Uniqlo?”

It kept going—all the way from Arc’teryx, Arhaus, Calzedonia, Cellaxs, and Eug, straight through to Fabletics, Intimissimi, Kickz, Partè Haus, QToys, Snipes, and UNTUCKit.

It’s as if every store in the building was named by marketing people desperately trying to get rid of Scrabble tiles.

And the pronunciations don’t make any sense, either — it’s been this way ever since Lululemon and Zumiez opened their doors. (I still say they should be pronounced “Luh-LU-lamon” and “Zoo-ME-ezz.”)

The fact is, we’re basically living in a Dr. Seuss story, with a mall that caters to all the Hoos down in Hooville.

I wish I’d been in the branding meeting where they came up with “Eug.” Do you say it like “huge” and assume it’s a big-and-tall men’s store? Or is it more “eww-guh,” like it specializes in chartreuse polyester leisure suits?

I was so baffled, I stared at the UPS Store’s logo for at least 47 seconds wondering if they call it “ups” or “oops” now.

But in all candor, this isn’t a new problem for me. For many years, I thought Travelocity was pronounced “Travel O’City,” like it was an Irish urban-transport outfit.

Anyway, while you’re completing your last-minute Christmas shopping, if you come upon a woman who looks like she’s trying to solve a calculus problem in her head, stop and say hi — it’s probably me. We can pop by Nespresso and have a cup of…well, I have no idea.